


Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives

by Empress_of_Yaoi



Series: Changing Leaves, Konoha Rising [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Best Friends, Eventual BDSM, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, M/M, Main Story in the Series, Occasional fluff, Self-Harm, Therapy, Violence, dark themes, longfic, past sexual violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:41:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27479731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Empress_of_Yaoi/pseuds/Empress_of_Yaoi
Summary: Shikamaru has a secret. It’s deep and dark and the fifteen-year-old knows that people would never look at him the same way if they were to ever find out. It’s distracting him from his duties and pushing him away from his friends. When none other than Kakashi decides to stick his nose in, the copy ninja quickly comes to realize that this time he may have bitten off more than he can chew: Sticking his nose into Shikamaru’s troubles was impossible without revealing his own. Now, as the copy ninja slowly crumbles, painful memories surface. Yet in dealing with those memories, his darkest secrets come to light. Even so, it might not be the disaster he always thought it would be. Getting the help he’s been needing is a painful process, no doubt. But if it means that Kakashi can finally heal? It might just be worth it.As secrets slowly unravel and people’s perceptions are changed, it’s not just Kakashi and Shikamaru who will benefit...
Relationships: Aburame Shino/Haruno Sakura, Hatake Kakashi & Maito Gai | Might Guy, Hatake Kakashi & Umino Iruka, Hatake Kakashi/Nara Shikamaru, Namiashi Raidou & Shiranui Genma, Nara Shikaku/Nara Yoshino
Series: Changing Leaves, Konoha Rising [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007988
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	1. Shikamaru's Distracting Secret

**Author's Note:**

> Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives is the main story of this series. As I post chapters here, I will – at times – be posting corresponding side notes in ‘Side Notes to Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives’. I will link those in the notes of the chapter. In time, there will be a spin-off, a prequel and other stories to read. I just have to get to the point in this story that prompts them. All in due time. 
> 
> For now, I have a request for you, dear reader. My experience with tagging is somewhat lacking. Should you feel any tags are missing, please let me know and I will consider adding them. Please do keep in mind that this story is going to get long. I don’t want to create a wall of tags to keep up with the (at the time of writing this note) over a hundred chapters. But definitely let me know if you feel a tag is missing.  
> And also please let me know your thoughts, I love hearing what my readers think ^,^

XOXOX

**Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 1: Shikamaru's Distracting Secret

XOXOX

"… Kakashi will be team leader on this one. Now dismissed!" The Hokage's tone was sharp as she basically told them to get the hell out of her office. Shikamaru Nara followed his temporary squad out of the briefing room. He hadn't been paying attention earlier, so he only had a vague idea of the mission. Something about a dangerous fugitive…  
_What a drag…_

Just outside Hokage Tower Kakashi stopped. "I will see you at the East Gate in one hour."

Shino simply nodded and walked away. Sakura seemed inclined to say something, gingerly stretching out her hand towards Shikamaru's shoulder. Her hand stopped midway, though. And she too, left without a word.

Shikamaru turned to leave as well but Kakashi's voice stopped him, "Shikamaru," he sounded a little less like his easy-going self and a little more like the strict sensei that reared his head only once in a while, "I know you probably think this whole thing is just a big drag but try to focus a bit more on the mission, okay?" His eye crinkled. His hand did a little wave. And Kakashi Hatake was gone in a swirl of leaves.

Shikamaru pushed his hands deep in his pockets and started home as well. This was such a drag.   
He instructed part of his brain to come up with a list of things to pack. There really was no way of knowing how long this mission was going to take so he'd have to pack his bag carefully.  
At the same time another part of his brain reminded him of what he had actually _planned_ on doing for the next couple of weeks – hide.  
Just until this feeling faded away again, just until he could function again.

Shikamaru had _planned_ on re-organizing Storage. It was a task that held little joy but the Hokage _had_ asked him to take care of it. Obviously hoping his structured mind could create some sort of order in the chaos of that dark basement. Shikamaru sighed again. Gloomy and unwelcoming though it may be, right now that basement had a lot more appeal to it than this mission.

Still… Kakashi was right. He _was_ a shinobi after all, and given he had been assigned a mission that had better be his focal point. Shikamaru had never fully recovered from the effects of his first mission as team leader. He never wanted to put his teammates at risk like that again. Something that would surely happen if he didn't start focusing _right now._ Shikamaru shook his head, trying to rid himself of all these unnecessary thoughts.

Coming to his house, he pulled out the key and quickly went to gather the things on the list he'd compiled. There was no-one home so he left a note on the table before making his way over to the East Gate. He was running a little late but somehow couldn't muster up the will to hurry. Besides, Kakashi probably wouldn't show up for at least another thirty minutes…

But of course Shino an Sakura were both on time. So when he arrived ten minutes late he was subject to questioning looks from his former classmates. Shikamaru was always lazy, but never late.  
He shrugged and tried to look as unapproachable as possible. Hoping against hope that Kakashi would hurry up and get here already.

Simply standing around meant having to solve several complicated puzzles at once lest his mind would wander where it may not. And he was fresh out of ideas for complicated puzzles…

XOXOX

"So first we're headed to the village, over here." Kakashi said, pointing at the map. They'd stopped for lunch and were now discussing the best route to take.

"Whichever path we take, it will still take us at least a week to get there," Shino sounded slightly irritated, "It would be much faster if we were to determine where Taito is headed instead of simply following his tracks."

Apparently, Shino wanted this mission over with as well. For whatever reason, he seemed annoyed just to be out here. What a drag…

"But we don't _know_ where he is headed, Shino," Sakura chimed in, "So our best bet is to visit the place he was last seen. Maybe we can find some clues there."

"We know that he stole two scrolls from the Land of Fire's army base. The information they contain is undoubtedly valuable and time is of the essence. We simply need to determine who Taito is planning on selling the information to. Shikamaru is our strategist, he should be able to tell us where the man is going."

Shikamaru started at the mention of his name. He hadn't really been paying attention to the conversation so he had to replay Shino's words in his head before he could answer, "There are quite some Lands that have big or small quarrels with the Land of Fire. Given the other great nations have all signed the treaty, along with several smaller Lands we probably could rule those out. But even so, that still leaves way too many options. There is no way to verify where exactly the man is headed. Taito himself came from the Land of Fire, so we can't even assume he's going back to his homeland."

Shikamaru would have thought it was obvious. If it'd been Naruto…. But Shino was pretty clever, why should he have to spell this stuff out for the guy?

"Then it's decided," Kakashi's eye crinkled, indicating a smile underneath the mask, "We have a long way to go, so move out!"

XOXOX

It was their second night out. They'd crossed the border into a neighboring land in the late afternoon, the dense forest slowly giving way to large rocks, with mountains up ahead. Kakashi had decided to camp out in the last stretch of wood where they could easily gather fuel for their campfire. The ground here also made for a more comfortable mattress since the hard surface was covered in fallen leaves due to the season; mid-fall. There was little undergrowth so it was easy to make camp in one of the larger clearings.

Shikamaru and Shino gathered firewood while Sakura was making preparations for dinner. The forest was quiet and neither of the young men spoke as they completed their task. Shikamaru was too absorbed in his own thoughts to make small talk anyway, and Shino's apparent reluctance to spend any amount of time with him wasn't exactly inviting either. The Aburame gathered his sticks a few paces away from Shikamaru, always remaining just outside of reach. Shikamaru pretended he didn't notice, pretended it didn't sting just a little. At the same time though, he realized he didn't really have anyone to blame but himself; his own attitude wasn't exactly inviting either. 

When they came back, Sakura had finished all the preparations and could quickly cook and serve the stew she'd made from the mushrooms and vegetables growing in the area. Kakashi had taken his bowl and was presumably eating it somewhere in the shadows, leaving Shikamaru alone with his old classmates. Shino and Sakura chatted a little during dinner, Shikamaru saw no need to take part in the conversation. His own thoughts were already more company than he cared for. So instead, he just made sure to stuff his mouth with food so the others wouldn't expect him to speak up. The food wasn't great, but tasty enough. Shikamaru tried his best to empty his plate, despite not feeling the least bit hungry. Sakura had tried her best, after all. 

After dinner they quickly washed their dishes in the small creek on the west end of the clearing and made ready for bed. Since they had crossed the border it was decided they would stand watch, Kakashi took the first shift.

XOXOX

Their little fire had all but died and Shikamaru could hear both his teammates breathing evenly, sound asleep.  
He envied them. The Nara was exhausted, having slept at most an hour or three a night for weeks. And when he'd finally fall asleep there were these dreams… Shikamaru quickly moved his right hand up from under the covers, startled as he realized it had been moving further and further south.

Shikamaru lay very still for a minute or two, waiting to see if anyone had noticed his unconscious action, but it would seem they had not.  
The young man let out a small sigh, he could probably forget about sleeping again tonight. He moved out of his sleeping bag without so much as a sound and put his shoes back on. Maybe a little walk would help clear his mind…

He noticed Kakashi almost immediately. The jounin had taken up a seat on one of the lower branches of an oak tree, it wasn't even half as big as most of the trees back home but it was still one of the largest trees around. Kakashi's legs easily dangled on either side of the branch, his back resting against the tree as his gaze continuously surveyed the area. Shikamaru only nodded to the other man in passing, not wanting to break the silence.

"Don't go too far, Shikamaru." It was barely more than a whisper but in the stillness of this night the words reached the chuunin's ears effortlessly. He nodded again but kept walking. He needed to be alone right now. But the peace Shikamaru sought was not to be found among the trees. Nor in the clear water of the creek. Not even in the clouds above his head. The Nara smiled wryly.  
_What a drag…!_

He'd just about given up on this night all together when a thought hit him.

"Kakashi," Shikamaru said softly, standing underneath the tree branch the jounin was sitting on, "Could I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure, come on up." The older man smiled, eye crinkling above the mask, "So…What's keeping you awake tonight?" The silver-haired shinobi asked when Shikamaru had settled beside him.

"Nothing much."

"Hmmm…?" 

They sat in comfortable silence for a while. The copy ninja continuing his watch, the Nara struggling to organize his thoughts. "You know…" he said at last, "I- I'm sorry I haven't been paying attention…" He didn't look at Kakashi but at the clouds racing above his head. The wind had picked up, there was probably a storm coming.

"I find it helps to talk about it if something is bothering me," The older man spoke softly.

It wasn't a direct invitation; Shikamaru was free to take the words anyway he wanted to. Knowing that seemed to take the pressure of a bit.  
He'd only come to Kakashi on a whim. Not sure if he even wanted to company… "I just can't sleep." He stated curtly.

"I noticed."

The silence dragged on for several more minutes, Shikamaru looking up at the sky above as Kakashi's gaze lazily dwelled on the forest below.

"I… Like someone," The chuunin was startled by his own voice. He hadn't meant to say it. Hadn't meant to reveal his secret to anyone. Silently, he chided himself for allowing his thoughts to surface like this.   
_Idiot!_ _Keep your personal shit to yourself! Kakashi doesn't care anyway- he's just being nice so you'll start focusing on the mission again!_

"Hmmm…?" There was no discernible emotion behind the copy ninja's voice, "And now you're trying to figure out if they're worth the trouble?"

Shikamaru's breath caught in his throat.  
_Damnit! Why the hell did I say that?!_

_  
_ "Something like that… Goodnight." Shikamaru quickly jumped down from the tree. Behind his calm exterior, his thoughts endlessly berated him for saying anything at all, for not thinking things through before coming to see Kakashi Hatake of all people.   
_Idiot! First of all, there's no way the guy even wants to hear about your pathetic crush, and secondly you're wasting everyone's time acting like this. Thirdly, you're absolutely insane if you think you can just go around saying stuff like that, what if he figured you out? What would you do then? Moron._

  
As he made his way back to his sleeping bag he was followed by Kakashi's sing-sang voice, "Goodnight Shikamaru!"


	2. Disrobed and Disillusioned

XOXOX

**Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives**

Chapter 2: Disrobed and Disillusioned

XOXOX

It was day five of their mission. Shikamaru cursed under his breath as he wiped the dust out of his eyes. They had been traveling through this desolate area for three days now and the sand dust had crept up in every little nook and crevice.

It was about an hour before sunset when they came upon a village, build up the side of a mountain. There was a sign telling travelers that the village sported both a public bath and an inn. Shikamaru’s tired eyes scanned over his team mates’ forms; they were not any better off than the Nara himself. In the end it was Sakura who suggested it, though everyone swiftly agreed to put the provided facilities to good use.

The baths were located at the highest point of the village, about halfway up the mountain. The inn was built on a natural cliff midway between the ground and the baths, a little to the left of the village. Avoiding the main street and the people that bustled about, they quickly made their way up streets carved out of the rock like stairs, wanting to make it to the inn before nightfall.

The inn turned out to be small, but tidy. There were no other guests so they each had a small room to themselves. After they'd dropped off their packs in their own rooms, and made arrangements with the owner for a small dinner when they got back, they all grabbed a change of clothes and headed to the baths together.

XOXOX

The three of them soaked in the hot bath in complete silence. On the other side of the wooden wall they could hear Sakura talking to another woman. Apparently, they got along. Shikamaru didn’t particularly care about who Sakura did and did not get along with, but the mindless chittering provided a minor distraction, filling the otherwise heavy silence that had been surrounding the three men ever since they’d separated from Sakura earlier.

Kakashi hadn't spoken directly to him since that night in the forest. But then again… There hadn't been much to talk about, Shikamaru mused as he dropped himself even lower into the water.

  
He sighed, wishing he could be anywhere else right now.  
The sudden flow of air caused the water to bubble right under his nose, making him sneeze.

"It appears someone is thinking of you, Shikamaru," Shino stated evenly, breaking the silence between the three men for the first time since they'd entered the baths. He continued to announce he was getting out; his insects didn't like the hot water very much.

Shikamaru just nodded a good-bye and returned to his own thoughts, only to be dragged out of them again by Kakashi's stretched, "So…?"

"What?" Shikamaru sat back up, looking at the older man with irritation in his eyes. But Kakashi didn't seem to notice.

"So, who do you hope is thinking about you?" the silver-haired man looked at him with clear amusement.

The Nara blinked. "Why do you ask?"

"Just curious, I guess. You don't have to tell me," Kakashi sounded playful.

"How about you?" He retorted, smirking.

Kakashi raised his eyebrows, "Why would you want to have _me_ thinking about you? Wasn't there someone you were pining over just a few days ago?"

Annoyed, he decided against engaging the man, his tone curt when he finally did speak, "I wasn't pining. I was thinking," Shikamaru started to grow bored with this conversation. If this was all Kakashi had to say then he might as well go back to saying nothing.

"So somewhere in Konoha there is a girl walking around with a terrible cold?"

"Probably is, it's the season."

The copy ninja sighed heavily before moving over to sit closer to the young man. "You know… You could just tell me…"

Shikamaru looked up at the man. The mask was gone – replaced by a washcloth – and his left eye was firmly shut. There was a look of amused curiosity on his face.

"I thought you just said I didn't have to tell you if I didn't want to?"

"Yes, but that was before I realized you really weren't going to tell me," the silver-haired man leaned in closer, whispering; "And I want to know."

Shikamaru stiffened next to him, trying to ignore the blood that rushed through his body and the chill that ran down his spine. Had the man done it on purpose? Leaning in ever so slightly, so that the fabric of the washcloth tickled his shoulder and his breath could be felt on his ear?

The Nara looked up to find the older man looking at him with amusement.  
Yes. He did it on purpose.

Shikamaru wanted to get out of the bath, wanted to get away from Kakashi's prying. But right now he couldn't. Blood had rushed to his groin and he really didn't want Kakashi to see the effect he'd had on him. Such a drag…

He opened his mouth, pleasantly surprised then his voice came out steady, "Why do you want to know so bad, anyway?"

One grey eye crinkled, "Just do."

Oh man, what had he ever done to deserve having Kakashi's perverted curiosity directed at his person? What a drag. What an utter, utter drag.

"Why don't you just tell me? Is it someone I know?"

Shikamaru smirked, "Is there anyone you _don't_ know?"

"Not that I can think of…"

 _Right_ … Shikamaru adjusted his position, his situation was getting really uncomfortable. He bit down on his cheek, trying to think of a way out of this mess, "If I tell you, will you leave me alone?"

"Maybe…"

That wasn't good enough. If he stayed in this bath for much longer, he'd be cooked. Glancing sideways, Shikamaru noticed that Kakashi didn't seem bothered by the heat at all. What a drag…

Suddenly, Kakashi moved, straightening his back and holding a single finger up to the sky, "I know, let's play twenty-questions. If I guess right, you owe me the whole story. If I guess wrong, I'll leave you alone. How does that sound?"

"Like it'll be a drag…"

"Oh, come on Shikamaru!" He swatted playfully at the younger man's arm, "It'll be fun!"

"Fine, have it your way…"

As he stubbornly looked away, Shikamaru couldn’t escape the notion that Kakashi looked way too happy…

XOXOX

"So she's a shinobi… From Konoha… With brown hair… Only one question left… Hmmm…"

Shikamaru wished the older man would hurry up already. He'd never figure it out anyway, and his own situation was still as uncomfortable as ever. No, it was even starting to get painful by this point. Answering all of Kakashi’s annoying questions made him think of someone, someone that set his body on fire even more than Kakashi had managed to do earlier.   
_Admittedly, I do have quite some practice getting myself all worked up with a single thought of –_

"Let's see…” Kakashi’s voice quietly interrupted the Nara’s musing, “Is she a he?"

Shikamaru froze. No way. No _freakin'_ way!  
He didn't!  
But he did…

"Ah… So it's Asuma, then."

He _so_ did.


	3. The Man Himself

XOXOX

** Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives **

Chapter 3: The Man Himself

XOXOX

Asuma Sarutobi sneezed.

"Seems like someone is thinking about you," Kurenai said, as she snuggled up closer to him.

"What, it's not you?" Asuma mimicked hurt, sniffing loudly for good measure.

Kurenai looked back at him with a playful look in her eyes, curtly replying, "Nope."

He pulled a face, pulling her warm body closer against himself, “You’d think someone that loved me would be willing to stroke my ego a little…” 

Yawning, she gave him a small peck on the chin, “I stroked you plenty earlier,” her hand gently pushed against his chest, urging him to lay back down, “Go back to sleep. I have an early start tomorrow.” 

Asuma smiled softly, easing himself back on his pillow and kissing dark locks. He waited as her breathing evened out, stroking her bare shoulder with his thumb as he listened to the restful sleep of the woman he loved. The peaceful sounds of her slumber calmed his mind and before long he too, drifted off to sleep.


End file.
